Wishing I could Stop the Train part 3 (Looking Toward the Future) May 3, 2020

As the world as we once knew it continues to become more and more of a “distant memory”, I remind myself that one day this will all be over. One day we’ll wake up and there will be no risk of us getting Covid19. One day soon we will be able to visit our friends and family members again. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait until I can hug my loved ones again and have house parties again. I long for the day we can have a board game night, while we eat some pizza and just enjoy each others company. I can’t wait until I can jump into the swimming pool at my condo complex again and chat with my neighbors by the poolside, without needing to wear a mask. I can’t wait until I can safely walk my dogs at the park while the little league baseball players play; I love taking in the aroma of fresh cut grass and taking a break from my walk to watch the little kids hit a few home runs. I can’t wait until people all have their jobs again, and violence goes back down, and normalcy is restored. I can’t wait until the Summer Olympics are able to resume next year, one of my favorite activities of all time. I know you all feel the same. While I crave normalcy, I hope that some things we have learned from this pandemic and change in our lifestyles can be applied to the future so that we can become better human beings to one another as we become more like Christ himself. I hope to see a revival in our future that our broken world so desperately needs.


During this pandemic I have seen a lot of selfish behavior and a lot of focus on our own wants and our own will, rather than the will of God and remembering that He is in control. Yet, I have also seen a lot of Christ followers leading by example, showing that they are surrendered to the Lord. It hasn’t been easy, but each day I find myself finding more peace as I pray to God and surrender my will, daily. Daily, I ask him to purify my heart and that His will be done during this time. I then pray for our leaders and I ask Him to use me however He wishes. I believe that during this pandemic us believers will continue to see God move in ways we haven’t seen before. He will provide all of our needs. We don’t need to worry about how we will eat or pay our bills when it is out of our control. We just need to give it to Him and He will be faithful. Once this pandemic is over, I want to hear all of the stories of how God was faithful during the pandemic and I want us to never forget how God showered us with His faithfulness. My hope for the future is that we never lose our dependence we have currently on God. It is so easy to get caught up in how busy life is, but I pray and hope we can never let ourselves forget who is in control. My hope is that we always turn to God daily whether it be a stressful pandemic, or during the good and easy times. I really believe that if we stay on our knees and stay dependent on God, which we as a country, and as a world, have gotten away from, then God will continue to move in BIG ways.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121: 1-2 NIV

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14 NIVI keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8 NIV

Something else I would love to see….I yearn to see……my heart aches to see….. is for a revival in love for one another in the future. If anything, this pandemic has brought to my attention how depraved the entire world is, even within the Christian community. So many. Of. Us. Are. DIVIDED. Because. Of. differences. These differences can be political, religious, opinion, etc. And don’t get me wrong, when it comes to following Christ there are absolute truths, things that are not optional. But that doesn’t mean we get to be mean to someone else who maybe isn’t acting the way they should be according to scripture. Rather than getting revenge, or attacking them, maybe there is a way to bring the issue to their attention in love. Remember, we are called to hold each other accountable as believers, not to judge. And when we hold each other accountable, it is to be out of love. Oh, and make sure to get that log out of your eye first too.

On to dealing with non believers. We are called to LOVE EVERYONE. PERIOD. It doesn’t matter what they look like, what their background is, who they love, etc. We need to get back to loving each other as fellow human beings. We need to get back to showing the love of Christ to everyone we come in contact with. We need to remember that we are to lead by example. Some of the actions we do directly affects others, so we should do what is best for others because that is what Jesus would want us to do. He would want us to protect each other and to follow the law. Unless the law is specifically telling us to worship someone other than Him, or is harming others, there is no reason why we need to scream about our rights or to threaten people with violence. Common. Please stop. My hope for the future is that we can learn to love people and value all lives, not just our own. Despite a lot of ugliness going on right now, I see the majority of people people compassionate and I will continue to pray that that spreads and that more souls than ever before are saved.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves Phillippians 2:3 NIV

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10 NIV

During these crazy times I’ve found myself living more in the moment, and reconsidering my priorities. I’ve been less concerned with what tomorrow brings, what career I will have in a year, when and if I will become a mom, etc. Instead, I have been spending time with my husband and dogs, catching up with friends and loved ones over the phone, and of course spending time with God and Jesus. I miss some of my TV shows that have been temporarily but on hold because they can’t be recorded, and I miss concerts and sports. I miss eating at restaurants and the normal everyday rush. But I don’t want to ever become so consumed with life again that I forget to cherish what I have in front of me. I don’t want to become so consumed with wasting time on social media, that I waste time I could have spent elsewhere. My final hope is that we don’t forget how to live in the moment once Covid19 is over. As things pick back up, it will be amazing and wonderful. It will be a beautiful sight to finally be able to socialize and work as normal. But I don’t want us to take on more than we can handle and to let life pass us by. Sometimes it is so easy to live life on autopilot. Before long months, weeks, and years pass by and you don’t even know where the time went. Make sure to make everyday count. Don’t wait for tomorrow. Tell people you love them today. Make sure you enjoy some fresh air today. Do something fun today. Give social media a break today. Whatever you need to make sure that you are living your life to the fullest. Above all, make sure you are spending your days giving thanks to God and asking him to lead you. If you aren’t saved, take a moment today to ask Jesus into your heart and ask him to forgive you of your sins and to be your Savior. It will change your life forever in the best way possible! God bless my friends ❤

The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever. 1 John 2:17 NIV


The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:9 NIV

Inside the Brain of a Non Neurotypical Apr 26, 2020

I promise I will finish the last part of the mini series very soon, but I have noticed a large increase in views on my blogpost, When a Christian Meets Chronic Illness, from December 2018, over the last few days. So I have decided to write more about that today. I have been encouraged to continue to share my journey and life from my point of view, and am filled with joy that my words have been able to help so many. Today’s post is inspired by my cousin’s fascination of my odd brain phenomenons (he is also, by the way, non neurotypical), my sister who cannot express what she experiences on a daily basis as someone with Autism who is nonverbal, my own obsession with the human psyche and trying to understand why mine is so complex, my neurologist who continues to fight to find a way to decrease my seizures and migraines, and the new medication added to my daily regimen that seems to be promising.

I am a normal adult, at least from what meets the eye. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Journalism and a Master’s Degree in Organizational Communication. I have two steady jobs, one that involves teaching English to children overseas, and the other is caring for a family member as a home health aide. I am an extrovert and love to be out and about, exploring, connecting with people and the world around me. The more people I get to know, the better. I have been married almost four years now, own a home, and have a few fur kids. I have some awesome best friends that I have been blessed with who I catch up with regularly, even though we can’t see each other often because life becomes busy after college days. I have been a supervisor before and miss my job at Alden Library fondly. The reason I left that job was because of a family emergency that required me to leave Athens to move back to Columbus a few years ago (you can find more on this in older posts). I am blessed and I have a fulfilling life.

Nevertheless, there is a lot more to me than meets the eye. I have a lot going for me, but it isn’t always easy. There are many days where I cannot work because seizures or migraines leave me debilitated for the rest of the day. I am on 6, sometimes 7, different medicines a day to control my several illnesses and disabilities, such as Poly Ovarian Cystic Syndrome, Anxiety, Epilepsy, Chronic Migraines, Sensory Processing Disorder, etc. I have a service dog that can sense and smell a scent (undetectable to me) to alert to migraines, seizures, or when my blood sugar drops too low thanks to occasional insulin issues with my PCOS hormonal imbalance. A lot of my illnesses are caused by the other, or make at least aggravate others. So sometimes having a bad migraine causes a slew of seizures. Or whenever my hormones are especially out of whack from PCOS, I can have bad seizures. Anxiety and panic attacks can happen before or after a migraine or seizure. Having heightened senses can make me prone to anxiety. Is that extreme itching seasonal allergies or an allergic reaction to the new medicine? Am I tired because of one of my conditions or because of how many medications I take? I will never know. As much as I love to do things and be out in public, it is also draining, especially going to the grocery store. For some reason in particular, the grocery store can cause major sensory overloads and sometimes even complex partial seizures, where I lose awareness of where I am and am unable to move, respond, or do anything for a bit. I know that I am not alone in simple outings being a challenge to those of us with disabilities. There is something called the spoon theory that explains how chronic conditions cause fatigue and emotional drain, which is why things that don’t bother “normal” people can be exhausting for us. Yeah, it’s bleh.

My husband the other day asked me which illness would I choose to have removed if I could have one completely removed in an instant. It was hard for a second, but I think I would have to choose the Epilepsy or chronic migraines because those seem to affect my independence and ability to function day to day the most. Although, sometimes I would love to have normal sensory perceptions, rather than heightened sensory perceptions. Yet at the same time, if I were healed of my sensory processing disorder suddenly, I don’t know what I would do with myself because it has become a part of who I am. While sometimes I hate it, other times it benefits me (more on that later). I can’t say that about any of my other conditions. I feel like most of us with chronic illnesses and/ or disabilities would love more than anything to be normal. In fact sometimes I cry out to God asking him why I have to be “weird”. I ask him why can’t I be normal so that I can be able to do more for him, because I feel inadequate. People like myself feel like we are burdens to everyone around us, even our doctors, especially if what we have can’t be solved easily. But for some things, like Autism, a cure isn’t always wanted. Rather, understanding and compassion instead. I know many with Autism who are outraged by the notion that their “Autism” is something that must be eradicated, rather than accepted. Autism changes the way someone experiences the entire world, but it doesn’t make them any less of a human being than anyone else. Autism is one of many conditions misunderstood and stigmatized, much like how mental health is stigmatized. Trust me, I know. I have been shunned by many for not fitting the normal mold, and many wonder how I can still have chronic conditions even though I have prayed for healing and believe in Jesus. I believe God has a purpose in everything and that if he doesn’t heal me, there is a reason for it. It is still a process, but I am realizing more and more everyday that God can use any of us and that his will is greater than we can ever imagine. I may not be as capable as many others, but my strength comes from the Lord and with Him, anything is possible.

Back in September, I had a wonderful conversation with a cousin of mine. We talked about everything from life, to TV shows, and our chronic conditions. He is on the spectrum, so he has Sensory Processing Disorder like me and understands how it is a unique aspect of what makes us, “us”. But, he doesn’t have epilepsy, so he was curious as to what some of my seizures look like. Medication has controlled certain types I used to have, while some I still continue to have. As I explained what I feel and experience during seizures, he was mesmerized. He wanted to hear more. Of course, he didn’t like that seizures are bad and can harm me, but some of the ways they manifest themselves are strange, and that fascinated him. Heck, my own brain both fascinates and scares me too. Like I wonder what the heck is going on up there and why so much energy is firing off all of the time. I bet his reaction is what my neurologist is thinking to himself when I describe my symptoms, because I am a weird case where my brain looks completely normal on the MRI images. I know doctors have to hide their emotions and be stoic, but I really wish I knew the thoughts of my neurologist when working on my case. Or maybe not, haha. Sometimes when I have complex partial seizures things feel surreal, as if I am watching a movie of myself and everything around me is suddenly not real, or it becomes unfamiliar. During those types of seizures I am unable to react to my environment briefly, and afterwards I feel a rush of fear and then extreme sorrow. Occasionally, instead of sorrow I feel a huge burst of intense euphoria, like I am suddenly on top of the world. Those were some of the worst seizures I ever had, and I am thankful that medication has caused those to cease. The seizures that cause bad smells such as the smell of fire, have also gone away. And I haven’t fallen down the stairs ever since I have been on medication. But I still have myoclonic seizures and absence seizures a lot, and full blown grand mal seizures (in my sleep). Myoclonic seizures are when your body muscles decide to contract very abruptly, causing jerks and spasms. Sometimes they’re barely noticeable, and can only be felt. Other times they can be seen by everyone and you end up throwing whatever you had in your hands (I have spilt many drinks thanks to this. Thankful for my wooden floors). Absence seizures happen when I am doing something then suddenly I freeze and am unaware and unable to respond, and then sometimes I will resume what I was doing without even realizing what happened. Often what helps me realize I had one is the conversation I was engaging in suddenly sounds like gibberish, or the person with me notices and points it out. Like a few weeks ago I was pulling a hoodie off, and as I began to take it off, I had one. So for like 30 seconds I was frozen with my arms halfway in the air, and once it was over I finished taking my hoodie off. My husband Robbie was like you had a seizure and I was like “oh I did?” My sleep seizures unfortunately involve full on convulsions and sometimes I stop breathing. This is where sleeping with my service dog becomes a life saver. If she can’t get me up she will wake up my husband.

Another thing my cousin and I talked about was the fact that I have Synesthesia, which is rare but really cool. Look it up 😉 I like to keep how I experience it a special secret that I only share if I know you. There are many forms of it, and I think it is awesome. I think it is one of the coolest things about me, honestly. And to think when I first noticed it I was about five or six and I thought everyone experienced it until I told Robbie about it one day and he was like “huh?!” and then my former therapist excitedly told me I had Synesthesia. I love it, I think it is very fun and it is one of the reasons I don’t want to ever lose my extreme sensory perceptions. So about this Sensory Processing disorder I’ve mentioned numerous times, let me share with you what it is like to be someone who has it, as this is what makes me not neurotypical. Sensory processing disorder is exactly what it sounds like; it means my brain doesn’t process information it is given by my senses in a normal way. For some, it means that their brain under reacts to sensory stimuli, whereas in my case, my brain OVER reacts to stimuli. And I mean truly overreacts. I can hear so many sounds at once and they all sound like they are at the same volume, which makes being in loud spaces really hard sometimes. In the first town home Robbie and I lived in, we were the only ones that lived in our section because it was a new build. There was only one other person who lived down the road. In the winter I would wake up in the middle of night every night whenever the people who lived down the road’s heat pump kicked on. I would wake up when I heard ours too, but I could hear theirs fairly well too. Now I have to sleep with white noise because I can hear the cars from the main road where I live, even though I live several side streets away from the main road. I can’t handle the sound of any sort of chewing, I have to put ear buds in or find a way to drown the sound out. One time at a restaurant there was only one other person there and I could hear her eating with her mouth open, and with every chew, I felt as if someone were stabbing me in the ears. It was so painful, but I know it wasn’t her fault so I decided to extremely focus on something else in order to not lose my mind.

Along with sound, smell is also over reactive. I cannot stomach many food smells, which I believe is partially why I am such a picky eater. If someone has really strong perfume on, sometimes I feel as if I am going to throw up or can’t breathe. I also know what every person I know smells like, their natural smell. I can tell if someone hasn’t showered in a week (gag) and I can even tell if someone is sick based on their smell. I could tell you who was my friend and who wasn’t if you blind folded me and had me smell their neck. Weird right? I guess I am part dog (just kidding). My eye sight isn’t 20/20 anymore but whenever I get my glasses prescription updated, I am overwhelmed by how clear I can see things. Like I can see the tiniest detail in the leaves on the trees, and each carpet fiber on my parents’ carpet. Colors can be overwhelmingly bright, but I love it at the same time. Touch sometimes feels really good, or really, really painful. Like sometimes a light touch to my arm feels like a thousand needles pricking my arm all at once. Or it can feel so good that it takes your breath away. There is one thing I feel more strongly than others, it is the feelings of those around me. 

So why do I consider my sensory processing disorder a part of who I am and something I don’t want to ever give up? Well because it does have its benefits. Music is incredible and when it is a song I enjoy, I can feel it through every sense receptor on my body. The sensation I get during a great song is indescribable, but I love it. I get chills, I get a wave of pleasure, and an extreme rush of joy, and then relaxation. Also some smells also bring me great joy too. Like the smell of chlorine, which reminds me of swimming, one of my favorite things to do. The smell of my dogs (not the gross wet dog smell, the smell of their skin) and my husband’s natural smell, give me a sense of comfort and security. The scent of Downy scent beads (I am allergic to the fabric softener itself) helps me sleep at night because of the memories the smell releases. Oh and the feeling I get when I am around people I care about, is perhaps the best aspect of sensory processing disorder of it all. Just being around friends catching up, gives me HUGE rushes of euphoria. Sometimes it is so intense I feel like I am going to faint or explode. Being around people I love and who love me too is just amazing, and being able to feel that love on a different level, it is, well, amazing. I wish I could always be around my friends and loved ones because the feeling of love, the actual feeling of mutual love (And I mean all forms of love, not just romantic) is amazing. It shows me how God intended relationships to be. Full of love, respect, gratitude, and pleasure.

Lastly, I will touch on how having chronic illnesses affects how we interact with others. We want others to like us for who we are, and to be our friend because they enjoy being around us and not because they feel they have to. I have been around people who pretend to like me, and I can feel it. So please, don’t pretend. It is okay if you don’t like me, I can respect that. I am the type of person who wants to be liked by everyone. I sometimes break the norm by befriending doctors, waitresses, dentists, etc. I go through great lengths to try to read everyone and see how they feel about me. But something I have been learning through life is that not everyone will like you, no matter what you do. And that is okay. You just keep moving forward. I am blessed to have a lot of people in my life who like me for who I am, and I love them each for who they are. Those of us with disabilities just want to be treated like anyone else, honestly. Thank you for taking the time to see what life is like for someone who isn’t “normal”. If I haven’t scared you away and you want to continue being my friend, then I value that more than I can ever say. And if I did scare you away, that is okay. I realize it is a lot of be friends with someone who comes with as much baggage, so to speak, as someone like I do. Either way, I wish you blessings and the best. Here is some scripture for you to think about ❤

Edit: I forgot to add the new medicine I’m trying for my seizures has made me itchy, but it seems to be calming. Like I haven’t been this calm since pre covid19, so I’ll take the extra chill affect.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 NIV

Letting go, without looking back Apr 13, 2020

I decided to write another blog post in between my mini series because there is a lot on my mind and I feel there are some things that need to be said, especially to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I know this is a very stressful time for all of us, and we all have different things that make this time challenging. Some are stuck in abusive situations (which I pray and hope they find a way out of). Others are stuck at home with their families with a lot of bored children. Some are on the frontlines in the hospitals risking their lives and watching people die. Some have medical conditions that make them high risk(like myself). Some don’t have jobs right now and are struggling to get unemployment. Some have essential jobs (I do and am thankful), but it also is scary just waiting to see if we come in contact with someone ill. This pandemic is hurting all of us in multiple ways, and I don’t really like to try and think about who has it worse, because its not a competition. It hurts my heart everyday knowing the weight that is on everyone’s shoulders. I want this to be over with as soon as possible so that everyone can be healthy and full of joy again. I am a bit afraid of what will happen to me (or some of my loved ones) if they get the virus. However, I am beginning to be even more afraid of how some people are reacting/ planning on doing as a result.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4 NIV

I have seen on Facebook, and have been told by some friends and family, many things that absolutely shock me, and leave me devastated. Many people are saying that they don’t care who dies from the virus because the economy is more important. Some leaders have said that our grandparents should sacrifice their lives so that the economy can stay open. Some keep pointing out that it only kills the old and those with chronic conditions(that includes me, my sister, my mom, my older sister, some friends, some fellow church members, my pastor, etc.), which may seem like no issue to someone who is young and healthy. But when I hear this, I hear you saying that your life matters MORE. That our lives are the sum of what we can offer to society and that if we aren’t as capable, or as young as others, we should just be discarded. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want the economy to sink. I don’t like that some people are struggling financially because of this. I don’t want to dismiss the position this pandemic has put them in, because their struggles matter too and their lives matter too. But I don’t know of anywhere in the Bible that says our worth comes from how much we can do for society. I also don’t understand the notion that we have make it a competition saying that because of the precautions in place, society cares more about those who get the infection and die, than those who struggle financially right now. Why are we doing this?

The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31 NIV

We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. 1 John 4:19-21 NIV

It gets worse. People are pointing the finger at those of us who want to respect authority and do our best to love others by preventing the spread. I have already been mocked by more than one person, who are Christians mind you, saying that I am a fool for wanting to listen to authority and for wanting to take precautions since I am more at risk. And I have had people say that if someone who is more susceptible to risks gets the virus and dies, that it was God’s will that they died and that we should have never taken any precautions at all because whoever God wants to die will die. I see some problems with this logic because if that is the case, why did God design doctors at all? Why do we do anything at all to protect ourselves? I mean if someone runs in front of a car and dies, then it wasn’t God’s will that they died. Rather, they died from their own actions. Sure God does allow us to die and he knows who will die and from what before we were ever created. But don’t for a second think that God is happy when someone dies, especially when it is an unsaved soul. God allows death to happen because of sin in this world, not because he enjoys it. He gave us free will. God’s heart breaks whenever anyone passes because he never wanted death to ever be a part of the equation. Death exists because of sin and sin is the result of what humans did. God gives us leaders and he puts them in power, because they are there to protect us and do what is best for us. Don’t call me a fool for respecting leaders like God calls me to do. You are the fool for not adhering to his Word and choosing what you want to believe is true and what isn’t true. I am sick of the hypocrisy. I have been for a while now and this is just the icing on the cake.

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. Romans 13: 1-2 NIV

For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign Lord. Repent and live! Ezekiel 18:32 NIV

God is never happy when we die. He is saddened by death. It was never his plan for us, but he died so that we could have a hope. Let’s not forget where we have come from. We all were once sinners. Romans 13 is pretty clear that when we rebel against our leaders, we will be reprimanded by God. Think about that for a bit.

Some are clinging to conspiracy theories more than they cling to Jesus and his truth too, and that is just a shame. I am sick of people claiming Jesus belongs to a certain political party, or that all of this is due to ulterior motives. Or worse, that it is all a hoax. Tell that to the people who are watching so many people die right now. It’s not a hoax, and quite frankly I am not concerned about either political party right now. I don’t care. It is man made and fallible, I don’t put my trust in such institutions. I put my trust in Jesus and God. For so many who say they trust Jesus will provide all of their needs, I don’t see much action following their words. If you believe Jesus is your Lord and Savior, then you know Jesus will provide for you. This life will have trials, and none of us are immune. Why are you surprised that we are in a testing time? Do you not read the Word of God? We are called to lean on Jesus, and trust in Him. Our hope doesn’t come from jobs, politics, etc. Not to say those things are bad, but when they become an idol, they are. So let’s quit putting our trust in things other than God, and let’s quit living in fear. I am not going to lie, I see some people saying they are about to get violent because of this. I am concerned about things like more violent crimes, more robberies, and people turning against their loved ones. I am concerned that people like myself who want to love others and obey the law will eventually be targeted by disgruntled people. However, I am working on changing my outlook from fear of what happens if I or my loved ones die from this virus, or what happens around me, to knowing God is in control and he hears my prayers and cries. I will do whatever I need to do to protect others, especially my loved ones. I will also do that along with fighting the battle on my knees, giving it to Christ.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 NIV

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:21 NIV

So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:31 NIV

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31 NIV


The biggest problem with all of this is that because of the focus on ourselves instead of the bigger picture, and the reason God put us here in the first place, we are not witnessing to the lost and we are not loving them the way God wants us to. When we don’t live out our Christian lives the way Christ called us too, it is the unbelievers that suffer. They are the ones who may never want to accept Christ because all they see is hypocrisy. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can try my best to put things in perspective because I care about you and those who don’t know Jesus. I can’t keep quiet on something when there is SO MUCH at stake. There are SOULS at stake here. We are the example and if we don’t show the love of JESUS to EVERYONE, then many will DIE unsaved because they never heard the truth and never experienced the love that Jesus gives. I will say that I am done dealing with the toxicity I have been seeing lately, and with that. I am letting go, without looking back. I am moving forward in my relationship with Christ and whoever wants to do the same I will see you there. Whoever wants to stay behind, I wish you the best and will continue to pray for you.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 NIV

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4 NIV

I am a people pleaser and I have been battling with it on and off my entire life. I have wanted to hurt myself before because I have upset people by not making them happy, or sharing the same interests and opinions as them. I have wanted to hide away and cease to exist because I wasn’t good enough for people. I have wished I were dead because I thought the world would be happier without me, or at least the people who never seem to be happy with me. I could never understand why no matter how hard I tried, people still hated me. But as I have grown I have learned that I am not called to please man, but to please God. And if I am disliked by many for doing what I was called to do, then I am doing something right because Christ was perfect, didn’t harm a soul, yet was persecuted by many. This is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I am unapologetically being all that God made me to be. I am going to be my authentic self and you can choose to stay in touch or move on. I am done with trying to fit into extra religious dogma that is not in the Bible. I am done trying to fit a mold I was never made to fit. I am done trying to take on everyone’s load. I am done trying to be people’s savior, when I can never be that because I am not Jesus himself. Now, I am surrendering that need for approval to God and letting him take care of people. I can love others, I can pray for them, and I can help(when God calls me to and not because I have this unsatiated desire to make sure no one ever feels any pain). I can’t fix everyone’s problems and I realize finally, I need to let that go. I wasn’t called to fix the entire world. Jesus is the answer for that. I hope and pray that you be blessed and that you take a minute to think about where your heart is right now. Remember we aren’t called to be comfortable. We are called to live our lives for Jesus and to be used however he wants us to. It is hard because we all struggle with our flesh, but Jesus’ plan is the best for us. He won’t let us down. If you don’t already know Christ, I pray that you consider asking him into your heart to be your Lord and Savior right now.  To my brothers and sisters, this is our time to let Jesus shine and let the whole world see why we believe what we believe. Don’t let this opportunity go to waste! Let’s pray for the lost and that many will be saved during these trying times. God bless and take care ❤

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1 Timothy 6:12 NIV

Wishing I could stop the train part 2 (blessings) Apr 12, 2020

Happy Resurrection Sunday everyone! I hope that you have a blessed day, even though we aren’t able to celebrate it at church like we usually do. This may sound insane, but this is one of the most peaceful Easters I’ve ever had because it is just about what Jesus did for us and remembering that. There is no rushing around, trying to look perfect, having to please several people, and no creepy Easter bunny (I’ve despised him since I was a kid). This isn’t to say that I don’t like gathering for the holiday, I do. I love the special church services held on Resurrection Sunday and spending time outside with family, taking in the outside air and watching my family goof off while I quietly take it all in. Today I am reflecting more than usual on how magnificent the gift of Jesus’ death is to us. There is no other love like His. Nothing like His gift. He is perfect, no sin. He died for the sake of us being able to be cleansed from sin, so that our relationship with the Father can be restored. That is something I hold to now more than ever, because it reminds me that anything I go through in this life is only temporary, and pales in comparison to what Jesus did for me. Any pain now is but a temporary condition. Next year things will be normal, and even better, eternity will be perfect, full of peace and joy. No more sorrow, no more death, no more poverty, no more abuse, no more disease. I can’t wait!

In part one of this mini series, I mentioned how reminiscing on memories helps me to cope with the current world condition, and how it could definitely help you too. Memories are what make us who we are, so it is so important to reflect on them from what we have overcome, to the good we have had so that we don’t let the present trial consume us and ravage our peace and joy. I wish that this train could be stopped already so that deaths will end and so that everyone can have a normal life again, but I know we must be patient. So I will continue to do things that are good for my mental and spiritual health, and share those with you too because I want you to be blessed and to experience God to the fullest extent.

The next thing that helps me cope is to look at my blessings (and this works for any trial, especially one as big as this pandemic). In fact, looking at my blessings is what helps me cope with a few lifelong trials I have as someone who has chronic illnesses and is considered “disabled”. I hate that word, because it makes it seem like people with disabilities like myself are “less than”. But really, we are stronger because we overcome challenges normal people wouldn’t even know how to handle, and we find different ways to achieve our goals. We don’t give up no matter what is thrown our way. We know it will be a battle of ours until the day we die, unless it is God’s will to heal us, so we have learned to deal with a daily, permanent battle. In a way, I suppose my chronic illnesses for once are a blessing. And what I mean by that is not that it is good to be sick. No, what I mean is what I have learned and endured because of it. It has kept me humble, it has helped me to enjoy the small things in life because some days the only good thing about my day is that God gave me another day alive.

Having chronic illnesses and having/ caring for a family member who has even more severe disabilities than myself has taught me not to sweat the small stuff. I don’t cry over spilled milk, so to speak. I am thankful for the days that we are all able to be together without any pain or sorrow. I am thankful for the days that I don’t have a migraine that makes me unable to do anything, or seizures that sometimes cause me to fall or be unaware of my surroundings. I am thankful for the days that I am not in bed the entire day, where despite desperately wanting to go to work, I can’t because my body is so fatigued from multiple seizures ,that I can’t move more than a few feet without collapsing. I am so thankful for my dogs who will not leave my side when I am sick, and who are always ready to play when I am healthy. I am thankful for a husband who sticks by me, despite my shortcomings from epilepsy. I often wonder why anyone even bothers to stay in my life, because I can’t just always go out and do things like normal people can. Even though I consider myself a burden to others, I have a BIG circle of friends and loved ones who would do anything for me. What more could I ask for?

I am thankful that I am used to being home days that I would rather be outside, as this too is helping me a lot right now. While many are heartbroken over being stuck at home (And trust me I am getting sick of it too) as someone with chronic illnesses, it is no stranger to me. I have had to miss important baby showers, birthday dinners, etc. because of my diseases. It sucks, and sometimes I wish I could just give up on life itself. But everyday I press on is another victory. This temporary halt in our daily lives will not last forever, and since it is temporary, I can more easily cope with it compared to people who have never had to deal with permanent setbacks. My heart goes out to people who aren’t used to being stuck at home, because it is like a culture shock and stressful I am sure. My heart also goes out to anyone stuck in abusive homes right now, and I pray for your safety. My heart goes out to the people on the frontlines right now fighting this awful disease and caring for anyone who falls ill. I am forever grateful for you! I pray daily that God watch over you and that you will be blessed for the sacrifices you make. I am thankful for such an amazing Ohio health director, Dr. Amy Acton. She is totally my celebrity crush because I admire her so much. So smart, yet so humble. I can see the love she has for all of us in how determined she is to make sure the least amount of people die as possible. I am thankful for a governor, Mike Dewine, who makes decisions (that may upset some) in the interest of the whole rather than a few who only care about themselves. It is God who puts leaders into power, and he knew what he was doing when he put Dr. Acton and Mike Dewine in power. That is such a blessing for Ohio!

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves Romans 13:1-2 NIV

Enough about my illnesses, I want to share some of my blessings that are truly amazing. My husband and my dogs are my two biggest blessings in my life. My husband Robbie is such a gentle, loving, Godly man who will do anything for me. He and I are truly soulmates, and we have so much fun together. We have a deep and special bond. My dogs are like my children. I haven’t been able to have children of my own and there is a great chance that I will not because I have PCOS and it is the leading cause of infertility. My dogs are my friends who are with me thick and thin, and I have a precious connection with each of them, especially Mikki, my white and black Pomeranian. Mikki is my seizure alert service dog, and she has saved my life a few times, letting my husband know when I have stopped breathing in my sleep because of a sleep seizure, or letting me know I am about to have one so I don’t fall and hurt myself. She loves to please me and loves to be cradled like a baby in my arms. She dances around and is always happy. Petra is my second favorite. She is the youngest and she is a wild child. She was rescued from the streets in California and had severe pneumonia before I adopted her. When I heard her story I knew I needed to meet her, and when I met her I met several adoptable dogs; but she chose me when she calmly sat at my feet and licked them. She gives Robbie and I joy with her silly personality. She is always wanting to play wrestle. She loves to run around and do a play growl and bark. When she wants to play she puts both paws in the air and balances on her hind legs. Oh and she play bites my nose sometimes, though we are working on that not being a regular thing haha. Of course I love all of my dogs (and my late dogs like Luke Bryan and Marina). Mae Mae is Robbie’s favorite and she is a sweetie too. Always ready to cuddle and give kisses. The love a dog can give is invaluable, immeasurable, and something that humans are incapable of. Dogs love us no matter what we do, it is the closest example of God’s unconditional agape love he has for us. To live with dogs and enjoy them is amazing. When I got my first dog, it felt as if I had a void in my life filled, something missing from my life that I didn’t even know until I became a dog mom.

Some other blessings I have is the condo we own. It was really hard to find a lender willing to consider us with student loans, but God made a way, and gave us the best possible realtor ever to help us, Leigh Merriman. Every morning I wake up I am grateful to have a roof over my head to call my own, a place that is more affordable than rent has become. If it weren’t for this home, it would be hard to afford anything. But with this condo, it helps us still be able to enjoy life, even with debt. I am thankful to have a car and that God made a way for it have an expensive repair done just a few weeks before this Covid19 hit the US. Without that car, my hubby wouldn’t be able to take me to work right now (I can’t drive because of my seizures). I am thankful for my other job, my online teaching job that gives me the pleasure and opportunity to teach English to wonderful children in China. It has been really cool learning about how our cultures are similar and different, and watching them go from not being able to pronounce or say anything at all, to being able to have conversations with me. They are so loving and keep telling me right now that they love me and want me to stay healthy and safe. I don’t know what I would do without those beautiful souls. I am honored I get to be a special part of their life and prepare them to become global citizens.

I am thankful that I can afford to get takeout several times a week (or go to restaurants when things are normal), as I am a foodie. I am thankful that I have become good friends with some of the waiters and waitresses at places I regularly frequent. Even though it will be a while before I see them again, I am very happy that I can still message them. I am thankful that I have a Bachelor’s degree in Journalism and a Masters degree in Organizational Communication, both from Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. I am thankful I got to experience college away from home at such a nice place. I am thankful for the memories made there and for the friendships I will always hold near and dear. I am thankful I had an opportunity to become educated, because so many people are unable to go to college, or even get access to student loans. I hope one day this changes as I would love to see education more accessible for all demographics.

I am thankful that I am a person that sees the best in everyone, and wants good for everyone. I have always valued other cultures and lifestyles different from my own, as I believe every culture has aspects about it that make the world a better place. Everyone is unique, amazing, and lovely. I wish more people had love in their hearts for their neighbors, both here in America and around the world. But I am grateful for the people who do. I have seen the conditions homeless people, and even people from poorer parts of the world, live in and my heart breaks for them. They don’t have even the basic necessities that we all (myself included) can take for granted day to day. If anything, this pandemic has highlighted both some major problems in both our country and the world around us, problems that I hope we don’t forget once everything is normal. Rather, I hope we can become better people as the end of this, doing what is best for our neighbors and those who are less fortunate. I hope we can better share the love of Christ with everyone we come in contact with, and find ways to help everyone have a better life. I also am hopeful that this time in history, we will see more people giving their lives over to Christ, than ever before. I can’t wait to gain more brothers and sisters in Christ. All it takes is admitting we are sinners and that we would like Jesus to be our savior and cleanse us. Then your future is bright, no matter what happens on this temporary earth.

I am thankful for warm summer nights under a sky full of stars, vacations, time with friends and family, swimming, hiking, and shopping too. Don’t worry, we will eventually get back to that in the meantime. Meanwhile, let’s follow our leaders and do what Christ would want us to do, which is to love others above ourselves. He will bless us for being faithful. Today I hope you can remember how good God has been to us, and reflect on the many blessings you have in your life. All of us have blessings from God and it is important to give thanks in all circumstances. God bless you and may you have peace and joy even in the midst of the storm.Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:1-4 NIV

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 3:16 NIV If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 NIV

Wishing I could stop the train part 1 (reminiscing) Apr 10, 2020

**I’ve decided to make this blog post separated into three different posts 🙂 I hope you enjoy and it helps you during this crazy time in the history of mankind. **


HS besties getting together the summer after I got married

The last few days I’ve been enjoying one of my favorite John Mayer songs “Stop this Train”. This song resonated with me a lot my senior year of high school because while I was excited for the new chapter in my life, I also was afraid of the unknown and what lay ahead. I wasn’t ready to plunge into adulthood, so I wanted to enjoy my last moments as a child as much as I could. I was so afraid that I would never see my high school best friends again, and was worried that I may never make other best friends. Funny that this song would once again resonate with me, but for a completely different reason. In retrospect, moving on from being a child to an adult was a lot easier, and more fun than I ever imagined. My time at Ohio University was one of the best experiences of my life so far. I learned so much about how life worked, how to be independent, met some more great friends, and also met my husband. The peace and joy I felt during my time in Athens, Ohio was remarkable. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so free in my life. The stars seemed brighter, the air fresher, everyone was so kind to each other. The beauty of those rolling hills, especially during fall semester… ahh… Increasing my understanding of the world around me, as well as perfecting my craft, there is nothing like it. I am glad that I wasn’t able to stop the train. But now, right now, this song resonates with me in a new way, because I wish more than ever I could stop the train of events going on. Every day this pandemic continues on is another day of chaos, uncertainty, and unfortunately death. It is definitely beginning to take its toll on me.

One thing that has been helping me cope is to reflect on some of my favorite memories through several stages in my life. For instance, some days I listen to music that reminds me of being a silly high school girl that was so obsessed with finding the love of my life, not even realizing I was way too young for that. Reminiscing Saturdays at Easton or Polaris mall with my girls talking about life, window shopping, and eating Five Guys or Sbarros at the food court. All of my hotel birthday parties where we partied at the pool and then had pizza and ice cream after. Some birthdays we went to the mall too; although my absolute favorite party was the year my crush surprised me and showed up :). All of the lunches chillin in the courtyard talking to everyone, playing with chalk, walking around holding hands with Shannon, and doing whatever I could to make everyone laugh. The fun dances, sleepovers, etc. Just being young without a care in the world! Having a best guyfriend who helped me begin to see my worth and quit worrying about the losers I had crushes on. Everyone thought we were dating, but we were just friends (he had a gf lol). He made the best gym partner because I honestly hated gym class because of my sport induced asthma, but he encouraged me. Every day. Every day he told me I was a beautiful, amazing girl who could do anything I put my mind to. I will never forget him.

I love to think back on my college days too, which I loved even more than my high school days. Going away to college was such a big step for someone like me, who used to be really shy. But I was blessed to have one of my besties Vikki be one of my roommates freshman year at the Convo. We had two other roommates and they were awesome. It was like living with three awesome sisters. We all were so calm and chill. We got along well, and we all have unique personalities with one thing in common : we all were easy going. Shannon was the party girl, but she respected that we weren’t always up to partying, so she would party elsewhere. Katelynn was the mom and the one who loved doing homework. When any of us got sick, she would do whatever she could to keep us healthy. Back before I was ever diagnosed with anxiety disorder and epilepsy, I definitely had some weird phenomenons happen to me. Sometimes I would get really scared and feel weird. I would blank out a bit. She played calming music for us and Shannon (a different one from high school btw) would tell me a story to take my mind off of whatever was going on. And ofcourse Vikki was always down for anything (like she still is). We had dinner together every night with our other friends like Ali and then we would have dance parties. Ali and I were inseparable. When we weren’t in class or doing homework, we were hanging out. We went to Bible study together, ate dinner together all the time, she came to meet my family one weekend and I showed her the cool malls in Columbus. We stayed up late talking about life during fall retreat.  Later in the year I met my bestie Sarah and would stay over the AIA house all of the time before I actually lived there because I got a set of roommates that spring quarter that did not like me (and Vikki couldn’t return for winter or spring quarter). I met Sarah because I got to spend the night at the AIA house after the end of the spring break mission trip I went on to Panama City Beach Florida. That mission trip changed my life for the better because it really taught me the importance of spending time daily with Jesus, and getting into the word. Plus I met one of my best friends Brandy on the trip, and I saw God work in miraculous ways.

The rest of spring quarter we had late movie nights almost every night sharing Papa Johns pizza and doing each others nails. One of my favorite nights was the night we decided to be like kids again catching lightning bugs on college green. Or the day we went to the craft festival on south green, painted some flower pots, and then road in the back of Sarah’s ex’s pickup truck over to a bonfire at some Christian leaders home. It was fun sitting back with Rachel and Joe, hanging on for dear life while we road up and down some hills, the late spring air blowing through our hair haha. Honestly I can’t choose a favorite memory of my first year at OU because it simply was amazing. Sophomore year started good but was challenging for both Sarah and I because as you know from other blog posts, we had bad breakups and realized we both had been in abusive relationships. But we persevered because God is good, and look at where we are now. Junior year flew by, and it was the first year I worked at Alden Library. At the end of my first shift, I said hello to my now husband, but I didn’t know we would date until a few weeks later. He helped me pass that stupid computer science class I decided to take (I don’t know why I did, other than it was part of God’s plan for me to get to know my future hubby) because his major was computer science. My senior year I got my first dog Luke Bryan and met another one of my best friends, Kristin, who happened to be one of two apartment roommates I didn’t know prior to moving in. We instantly clicked and just would talk for hours after work and classes, while playing with Luke. Oh and I introduced her to her now husband. I planned a few special game nights to get them to see they were perfect for each other and it worked 😉 woo. Legend has it to this day we still get together once or twice a year for a few days of board game playing lol.

I balanced a lot my senior year, from work to classes, to my relationship, and Bible study/ event organizing for it, but it was my other favorite year. I met some more awesome friends (like Brittany and Melinda), and it was then I realized Journalism wasn’t exactly the career path I wanted, but a step in the right direction. We had many dinner dates at Bdubs and my friends know what I order by heart now. We had great times just hanging out. We had a great time once again on the mission trip. It was fun watching Luke grow. Every Night I loved to walk him around the hill I lived on, taking in the breathtaking view of the stars above. Toward the end of the year I joined Kappa Phi, a Christian sorority group and made some more memories. Graduating was amazing but bittersweet because that meant not seeing all of my friends all of the time. But you know, years later we all keep in touch and make time to visit, so everything all works out in the end.

Grad school flew by. I spent the first year of it planning my wedding. Oh the bachelorette weekend trip was so much fun. Of course the highlight of it was going to the waterpark with my girlies haha(if anyone knows me, they know how much I love waterparks and swimming). June 24th 2016 was the best day of my life. Everything was perfect. The sun was out, all of the blue and purple flowers and seashell decor looked perfect. I was surrounded by everyone who mattered the most. My bridesmaids, friends, and family all helped Robbie and I feel extra special. Everything was just perfect. We went to Disney World for our honeymoon 🙂 ❤ and stayed at an awesome resort. We learned slowly how to be a married couple and before long it was like we were married our whole lives. We have been married almost 4 years now and boy it’s been nothing short of amazing. We have shared countless memories together, as well as some very hard times. Job loss, my dad having his second stroke, deaths, losing Luke to kidney disease, losing another dog a year later because she had an underlying condition when I bought her a few months after Luke’s passing. Finding out about chronic illnesses I never knew or thought I would had. But you know, it made us stronger and now we feel we can take on anything. We know we are so blessed to be where we are now in life, with a home and a few fur babies, so everyday together is a day we cherish. Especially right now. Every moment together is a blessing because we never know when we will take our last breath. While some are getting sick of their spouses or such, we are just fine and content.

It’s times like we are in now that make me realize how precious the small things are. How precious any time spent with family and friends is. How great it is to be able to go out to restaurants, stores, travel, work, etc. I don’t want to ever take for granted these things again. While it will be a while before I get to experience those again, I know one day this will all be a memory and things will get back to normal. What helps me cope, and what I think will help all of you cope, is to remember all the good memories you’ve had in life. Reminisce on some of your favorite memories. Have fun thinking about how you’ve grown as a person over the years, and how much fun you’ve had at each stage of life. Also think about some of the hardest things you’ve gone through in life, and how you have overcome those challenges. If God could pull you through that, he can get you through this. God is good and he has the whole world in his hands. Stay strong friends. I will have parts two and three soon. In the meantime, here is some scripture to encourage you and remind you of God’s promise that anything we go through in this current life is temporary. If we believe Jesus is our Lord and Savior, our future is bright. We will have eternity with Him worshiping Him and enjoying the earth restored to perfection, like it was meant to be before man sinned. Happy Good Friday everyone! May we remember today as the day Jesus died on the cross for us to be able to have salvation and a relationship with God. Glory be to Jesus!

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV

Here are some high school pics, followed by some college pics, and a pic of hubby and I ❤


Shannon and I were each other’s valentines that year lol
summer luau party my senior year of HS
Vikki, Destiny, and I sophomore year of HS
Shannon, me, Katie, and Allie my junior year of HS trying on dresses
My first OU blackout football game
Ali and I being silly
my 21rst birthday trip
Bachelorette waterpark fun 
hubby and I after we said I do ❤

He made all the stars and knows them by name Mar 16, 2020

He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Psalm 147:4 NIV

Right now we are experiencing some of the most uncertain times in our lives, across the world as a whole. I will be honest, though I am a follower of Christ I have been anxious and scared as I see more and more cases of Covid19 creep up. I have epilepsy and other conditions that make me part of the vulnerable population. A woman in Italy died who was otherwise healthy, aside from her epilepsy. My mother has an autoimmune disorder. My father has survived two strokes, but still has complications from the second stroke he had a few years ago. My sister has autism and cannot talk, and the regular flu can almost send her to a hospital. Several of my new friends have lost their jobs right now as more and more restrictions are made in the best interest of the whole. One of my best friends/ my older sister has a compromised immune system, as well as one of her twin sons. Everything’s happening so fast. Things we never thought would happen. Many are upset because of all of the precautions being made. Some are simply scared. Some are becoming violent. Some even fellow Christ followers are mocking others who are scared, calling them “fools”. That type of behavior breaks my heart. I am writing today to offer hope to any and everyone who reads this. And to call on my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to be the example in this time. We need to show the world the love of Christ now more than ever. We need to pray several times a day, asking God to spare us and to destroy this disease. We need to put others above ourselves.

It is easy to be angered that our daily lives have been changed so abruptly, but we need to look at the bigger picture, as well as what God says in his word. First, we need to remember to love everyone. Jesus commanded us to love everyone as He has loved us. What does that mean? Loving others unconditionally. It doesn’t matter whether they share the same beliefs as you. It doesn’t matter their age or ethnicity. Jesus calls us to love as he has loved us and he loved us enough to die on the cross for us to be saved, so we can certainly deal with some inconveniences to show love to our neighbor. Everyone is our neighbor, by the way :).

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. John 15:12 NIV

Blessed are those who have regard for the weak; the Lord delivers them in times of trouble. Psalm 41:1 NIV

Next we need to turn to what God says in his Word about how to respond to disaster. We need to humble ourselves, realizing we are weak and need his strength and then we need to pray. We need to ask forgiveness for any sin we have done and ask God to heal everyone and to stop the epidemic. God has always came through for his people and we need to rely on him right now more than we ever have. It’s okay to be afraid or nervous as long as we take that and give it to God, trusting him in the midst of this. We must remember that the devil is busy too and right now he wants to use this to divide and bring out the worst in humanity. But we can choose Christ and love instead. We can listen to God’s truths instead of the lies the devil may be putting in our heads right now. Remember God gave David the ability to conquer Goliath. David was small, had no armor except a slingshot and rock. But he was brave and called on God to give him the strength he needed. God did exactly what he promised. God also brought his people out of captivity when they were enslaved in Egypt and protected them by parting the red sea. God is the same God today as he was back then! That means he can and will protect us and hear our prayers. He will help us get through this awful virus. We can call on God and renounce the evil virus in Jesus’ name. But we need to trust in him and we need to surrender ourselves to his will. Going along with surrendering ourselves, we are to obey the word of God. That means that we are to respect those in authority and pray for them. So as believers we need to be the example by praying for all of our leaders and respecting whatever measures they put in place to keep us safe. We need to pray they are kept safe and make the best decisions for us all.

David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. 1 Samuel 17: 45-46 NIV

Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. The Egyptians pursued them, and all Pharaoh’s horses and chariots and horsemen followed them into the sea. During the last watch of the night the Lord looked down from the pillar of fire and cloud at the Egyptian army and threw it into confusion. He jammed the wheels of their chariots so that they had difficulty driving. And the Egyptians said, “Let’s get away from the Israelites! The Lord is fighting for them against Egypt.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Stretch out your hand over the sea so that the waters may flow back over the Egyptians and their chariots and horsemen.” Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and at daybreak the sea went back to its place. The Egyptians were fleeing toward[b] it, and the Lord swept them into the sea. The water flowed back and covered the chariots and horsemen—the entire army of Pharaoh that had followed the Israelites into the sea. Not one of them survived. Exodus 14: 21-28 NIV

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Romans 13:1 NIV

We don’t have to fear, even when it is scary. We can turn to God’s truth in his word and we can lean on each other right now. Despite the way things look now, I can see this being a time in history where we all come together in a special way. A time where we show the love of Christ unlike any other time and a time where we see more souls being saved. God feeds all of the animals, he will surely take care of us. Instead of looking at the problem, we should look to God and his kingdom. Remember as Christ followers we are called to be loving, selfless, and brave because Christ is where our strength comes from. We know where our hope comes from, and I pray we all show that to everyone during this time of need. Let’s humble ourselves and pray!

Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? “And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? “And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. “But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! “Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ “For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6: 26-33 NIV

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14 NIV

Now is the time we need to share the truth of the gospel with everyone because whether this virus does it or natural causes, everyone will eventually pass on. If we don’t accept and trust Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we will go to eternal suffering. But if we ask Jesus to guide us, we will be save and will have everlasting. Please I beg you to consider now more than every giving your life to Jesus. You just need to trust that he is Lord of all and ask him to be your savior. I want none of you to perish. I want you all in Heaven one day with me celebrating when there will be no more sorrow and the earth will be restored to its perfect glory before sin corrupted it. God loves each of us so much. He loves all of his creation, as he knows the stars by name. But more so, he loves each and every human. He knows everything about you and he loves you more than you’ll ever know. Please consider accepting his free gift of salvation. xoxo

When waves threaten to take over: spiritual attacks Mar 8, 2020

Ever feel like everything is finally going good. Your walk with God is going well, your life circumstances are looking up, and you are feeling great? Then out of nowhere, all chaos breaks loose. It seems like in a split second the entire world is against you, and you don’t know how to keep your head afloat. It seems as though you are just one second away from drowning. I’ve been there and I know each of you have too. In fact, I am undergoing a spiritual attack right now as a type this. But, unlike numerous times in the past, I know what I need to do to win the battle, and it starts with recognizing the signs that a spiritual battle is imminent. A few years ago God blessed me with one of my best friends, a woman named Angela, who is like the older sister I always wanted. You’ve probably read the story before on one of my other blog posts about how it was divine intervention because the odds of us meeting where 1 in 10,000, literally. And we met at the perfect time, going through similar things, and ever since have become best friends. She is someone I look up to a lot because she is very wise and is a strong Godly woman, firmly rooted in her faith as a Christ follower. She has been through a lot, and at times her life resembles the life of Job. Yet, through each and every storm she endures, she preserves, and is living proof of James 1:2-5.

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:2-5 NIV

One day during one of our phone conversations, we discussed spiritual attacks, and she said something that stuck out to me, and has continued to help me. She told me that Satan (the devil) knows each of our weaknesses and when he attacks, you will often be able to know because he tends to use the same patterns. He may be clever, but he isn’t God and he isn’t omnipotent, so he cannot know our thoughts or be everywhere at once. Each of our weaknesses are unique to us, but we all have them. The devil wants to thwart any good plans God has for your life, so he is going to attack when God is doing something big in your life. Satan also wants to be as sly as possible, and subtle, so that his attacks can work. But, we can outsmart him. We have to notice the patterns and the things he throws at us to try and ensnare us so that we can fight against it. Knowing is half of the battle, because the longer we deny or ignore what is in front of us, the further we will fall; the more damage will be done. For some, a weakness may be a sort of temptation such as alcohol, sexual sin, anger…etc. For others, it can be self pity, or feeling like you need to go back to toxic situations and people because suddenly they need reach out to you, even though nothing has changed. It can also present itself in a specific illness that comes on right when you had plans to go on a mission trip (different from chronic illnesses). It can be getting into a heated argument with the same person about the same thing again. It can be so many things. But the point is as a Christ follower you will experience spiritual attacks, especially when you strive to live a Christ pleasing life, and there will be techniques the devil uses to try and destroy you. But don’t fret, remember how we fight our battles and who is stronger: Jesus!

When we can recognize a spiritual attack, what we do next is crucial. We cannot just sit back and let it happen, we need to do something. However, we as humans are weak and unable to battle. We need God to fight for us. We have to surrender ourselves to him, letting him have his way in all areas of our life. We have to ask for forgiveness for any sins we have committed and ask God to lead and protect us. We have to pray against the evil that is coming at us and trust that God is bigger than any waves coming our way. Though we stand on the beach looking at a tsunami wave coming directly at us, we have to look above and let God do the work. He is faithful, He is just, He is loving, and He is all powerful. He can and will carry us through and we will come out the other end, stronger than before. But we have to let God fight the battle, we cannot fight it ourselves. If we fight it ourselves we will get overtaken by the waves.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” Psalm 91 NIV


In times of spiritual warfare, we turn to God’s word so that we can dwell on his truths and keep them in our heart. We also should ask our close brothers and sisters in Christ to pray for us too, for where two or more are gathered, there God is in the midst of them. We are to help one another out, because this life isn’t easy and we need each other. Whenever you feel a spiritual attack coming on, stop everything and pray. Then ask people to pray for you too, and make sure to get into the Bible. Don’t fight this battle alone. We weren’t made to fight alone.

For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them. Matthew 18:20 NIV

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 NIV

You may be wondering “ Why does the devil want to attack me?” Well, there can be many specific reasons but his main goal is he doesn’t want us to prosper. He doesn’t want us to live the blessed life God intended for us. He wants as many people to reject Jesus as possible and go to hell with him because misery loves company. He can’t take a Christ followers’ soul, but he can do whatever we allow him to to wreak havoc in our lives. But if we resist him, he will leave us alone because he realizes he is wasting his time. We are always victories over Satan because we belong to Jesus. So please my friends don’t let whatever you are facing today scare you or discourage you. Instead turn to God and those you trust. God will hold you up and you will make it through. God bless <3.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:8-10 NIV

Am I Really Loved? (Feb 14, 2020)

It’s a warm rainy spring day. You wake up to the sound of birds chirping and your cat (or dogs) cuddling next to you and your husband or wife laying next to you. They tell you they love you and how much they mean to you and you smile and tell them you love them too. The work day is a bit stressful and you deal with a few mean people, some who talk down to you and belittle you. At the end of the day you text your best friends and ask them how they are doing. You text a bit and then the conversation ends with them reminding you how much you mean to them. You laugh and shake your head because despite what they tell you, deep down you don’t believe them. Does this sound like you? If so, keep reading. And let me let you in on a secret. The person I described above is a lot like me. It wasn’t until recently that I even considered that I may be getting in the way of letting others love me, including Jesus. I read an article written by Charles Stanley, a revered pastor I listened to with my dad growing up, today on how sometimes we don’t allow God’s love in. I thought no way I can’t be like this because I know Jesus loves me, but the more I read, the more I realized I do in fact stumble with this a lot; not just with letting God love me, but letting anyone else close to me love me too. It’s as if I put a shield up and refuse to believe that anyone loves me. I know I am not alone in this and it can make you feel isolated, so my hope is today I can help you start a journey to accepting love.

Why do I struggle with believing that others really love me? Well it’s a complex issue in my case and I am sure it is the same with you. Part of it is the spirit of rejection I have mentioned in a previous blog. No matter how much I pray against it, it seems to follow me everywhere I go. I experience a lot of people not liking me, people thinking I am strange, people thinking I am a burden. For example, random strangers will say things about how they don’t like my hair or they will tell me to stay away from them even when I wasn’t planning on bothering them. It shows up in friendships that ended up not being real, where I was really just befriended as a means for the other person to gossip behind my back and bring me down. It has manifested in “friends” telling me that every single decision I make is wrong. That nothing I do is right and that I need to give up on my dreams. People who tell me that I am wrong for liking the season I like (Summer), liking the breed of dogs I like, for liking the type of music I like. It shows up when a doctor won’t even let me see them for something abnormal with my physical health and they get frustrated with me on the phone. It shows up when I am a greeter on Sunday morning at church and someone hugs everyone but me…making up an excuse that they don’t hug people at all, even though I just watched them hug several people. It has shown up when I wanted to be a Bible study leader because I had a heart for the freshman college students, but I was told I wasn’t good enough to be one, despite my peers being told told they would make great leaders. It has shown up in an ex who stalked me and wanted me dead. And it shows up with me being a reject in society since I have chronic illnesses. The spirit of rejection convinces me a lot of times that I am worthless, unwanted, and I often begin to take it to heart, and assume that if many people feel that way about me, then all must. I am sure some of you have felt the same and I am so so sorry because it is not a fun experience. The thing is, despite the rejection you face, it doesn’t define you. It may feel like it does, but I promise it doesn’t. You are not what others think of you. God does see you differently.

Another thing that personally holds me back is shame and guilt. I am ashamed that I have epilepsy and chronic migraines because it means I am less than others (at least that is how I see myself). If I struggle with a sin, I must be an awful Christian and thus I feel ashamed and must hide away. I sometimes feel shame for just existing. I feel like I should be doing more with my life and I feel shame when I don’t measure up. Whenever I do mess up, even after I ask for forgiveness, I find myself still feeling guilt. And because of that, I want to punish myself. So I remind myself that I am a mess and then I begin to think does God really even love me at all? I mean how could he love me? I’m just a mess up who never gets it right and I burden everyone I come into contact with, so surely I burden God too. So then I want to avoid everyone that I am a burden too, and sometimes I think God is happier if I avoid him too, because surely he has more important creations to spend his time with. I know for a fact I am not the only one who struggles with this because I have spoke with many who have felt this way, which is why I like to be an open book even though it puts me in a really vulnerable place. Oh and let me tell you these thoughts we have, they are lies. They are the lies from Satan himself and they are a way to steal our joy, which comes from God’s love (And the love of others in our lives).

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:8-9 NIV

The devil wants to harm us and bring us down. He is evil and his goal is to either bring people to hell with him, or for the believer, make their life as miserable as possible. If he can get us to believe lies, then we may miss some of the great things God has planned for us. Anything we struggle with, we don’t struggle with alone. You are not alone and what you feel is valid. We live in a broken world due to sin and sadly as a result we will struggle with our worth. Many believers will hide their struggles because they want to appear like they have it all together. The problem with this is it leads us to believe there is something wrong with us and that we are to suffer alone in silence. I strive to stop that, as I believe the best way to beat the adversary is together in unity. If you ever are struggling, don’t be afraid to reach out to me or someone else you trust. We are meant to help each other out and we need to each other.

So how do we combat the struggle of not believing we are loved? Well first we pray and we ask God to help us understand and feel how he really thinks of us. We also spend time in the Bible, reading verses about God’s truth so that we can replace the false, negative thoughts with truth. We also confide in someone we trust and ask them to pray for us to be a listening ear. It is a journey and it may take years to eventually overcome this struggle. But we have to start somewhere and today is the day. Ask God to reveal how he really sees you and lean on not your own understanding, but what his Word says about you. I know I am far from being to the end of my journey, but I am thankful I am closer to where I need to be than I was yesterday. We need to begin allowing God and others to love us. Instead of pushing them away, we need to tell ourselves that what they say is true. That we are worthy of love because Jesus loved us so much came into this world to die for our sins. If we accept his free gift, we can rest assured that everything he promises the believer will come true. God doesn’t lie. If we learn to accept love than we can experience the joy and peace he desires for us, and we can let him take the reigns in our life. We can live in freedom knowing that he will take care of us. When we allow love in we can enjoy relationships the way God intended and we can live life to the fullest. I pray that if you haven’t already that you would accept Jesus into your heart as your Lord and Savior, and that you ask God to help you see yourself as he sees you. You are so loved. God bless you my friend and Happy Valentine’s day. God is the ultimate valentine <3.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them . There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:16,18 NIV

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 NIV


But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15 NIV

Wonderfully Made (Feb 7, 2020)

 

This week was a rough one, one of the hardest I’ve had in a long time. I had a migraine for nearly five days straight, some rough seizures, and my PCOS hormone imbalances are causing everything to flare up. I am thankful for flexible jobs because I don’t know what I would do without them, honestly. Three days in a row at home sick because I couldn’t be out of bed longer than a few mins. It has gotten pretty boring, but despite the pain and grief, I thank God for each new day because there are blessings in my life even when trials arise. My dogs keep me from being alone, and their 24/7 affection feels like Jesus is giving me a hug himself. My Mikki is so on top of her alerts that she makes sure I am safe if another seizure is about to come. And my husband, parents, and friends have been truly supportive. Having chronic disabilities and illnesses makes me sometimes question was it worth even going to college. Will I ever get to use my Master’s degree for what I intended to? Will I ever get better? Will my life always be dictated by being chronically sick? Will everyone I adore eventually give up on me? Sometimes my outlook is bleak, but believe it or not there is still some good that has come out of dealing with my chronic illnesses, and other unique aspects of me. I want to share those today as well as encourage you that each of you has something special about you that is needed in this world, and that will bless God. So wherever you are in life, whether it’s struggling with sickness, excelling at your career, a new mother, struggling with poverty, etc. you have something special that only you can add to this world given to you by God <3.

One of the good things that actually comes from having seizures is that sometimes I am the most creative after them. I am not sure if it is because of the surge of electricity going through my brain, or part of a complex partial seizure, but sometimes I get some of the best ideas after. I often get ideas on good topics to blog about, new games to play with the dogs, creative date ideas, the desire to do art, etc. I have always been a creative person, but the occasional spark in creativity is a benefit if there is any to be had from epilepsy. Sometimes a person I haven’t talked to in a while pops into my mind and I pray for them because I believe God let them come into my mind for a reason. Other times it is after a seizure that I have a different angle to a problem that seemed impossible to solve. Sometimes I get euphoria instead of deep sorrow after seizures and that feeling of relief and joy is much desired. Don’t get me wrong, seizures are terrible, but it is nice to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Another way having a chronic illness still has its blessings is that I have more time to think about what God wants me to share with you all, and it allows me to give hope to a group of people who feel isolated and alone. A lot of people with conditions like me are isolated from family, friends, and even the Church. Oh yes, I am sometimes afraid to tell other Christians that I have chronic illnesses because they have assumed it is my fault and blamed me for them. They have told me that I have them because I don’t have enough faith in Jesus or because of sin in my life I haven’t let go of. Sin I am not even aware of. They don’t understand that when they pray over me and I still have epilepsy and chronic migraines, it is not because God didn’t hear him or that he can’t heal it. God can choose who he heals and who he allows to go through something and regardless of whether I am healed or not I will follow him because he is a good God. Pain and illness in the world is a result of sin and one day it will be fixed. So no matter what, I won’t be sick forever. Even if I am sick until I pass on to eternity, I know in Heaven I will be sick no more. And I want to share my hope with anyone and everyone, especially those who feel hopeless. Because, Jesus desires all turn to him and be saved. Jesus loves all. God so loved the entire world that he gave his son for us. Anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. If we ask Jesus into our heart, we have hope for now and forevermore.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 NIV

Aside from chronic illnesses, my brain is wired differently than others. I can hear sounds wayy louder than the average person, I can smell things as good as a dog, and I am sensitive to every external stimuli. While this can be overwhelming sometimes and lead to anxiety and extreme sensory overload, it has its benefits too. I have prevented a house fire a few years ago because I smelt burning on the small Christmas tree we had before anyone else did. No one smelt it, they almost thought I was crazy, until they saw the scorched leaves. It also helped me warn my parents that their hot water tank was going out a few weeks before it actually went out. I could smell the burning from the running sink water all the way across the room. I can feel music and see it. Some songs are so much more than just songs to me. It goes beyond smell and hearing too. I can feel how people feel toward me, regardless of what they say. I can feel if someone hates me, or is someone genuinely cares. When I am around someone who actually cares about me, I can deeply feel their love. It’s hard to explain, but it is an overwhelming sensation that for a split second I almost feel like I am going to either faint or float out of my body. Then I feel a sense of peace that stays with me a few days after. Likewise, if someone is angry I unfortunately absorb it and feel stressed. If someone is sad I feel their sorrow as if it were my own. Sometimes it leads me to want to do whatever I can to take it away, even if it means harming myself for their benefit. So in a way, this has also hurt me at times when I haven’t had good boundaries and some have taken advantage of me. But, I have learned the value of boundaries and that has helped a ton.

I feel deep empathy and love for those I care about, deeper than I can describe. I just feel things deeply. I was always called highly sensitive, but I actually have a condition that explains it. It is not a mental illness or a chronic illness, just a way my brain is uniquely wired. I was diagnosed a few years ago and my entire life finally made sense to me. Because I can feel so deeply I am able to develop deep relationships. I also desire to get to know people on a deeper level and strive to be a blessing in their life. When God puts someone in my life that needs me, I will do anything to make sure they know they are valued and loved. Which leads me back to the main topic this post was supposed to be about. God gives each of us talents and gifts, as well as spiritual gifts given by the Holy Spirit once we are saved. So he gives natural talents and supernatural gifts. For some, natural talents may be the ability to sing beautifully, or play a sport nearly flawlessly. For others it may be the talent of playing an instrument, leading, being good at mathematics, engineering, acting, etc. For some the talents are very obvious from the outside looking in. For other ones, it takes getting to know a person a little bit better. However, just because your talent may not be as obvious as Idina Menzel aka Elsa’s voice, it doesn’t mean it isn’t special and needed. God made you for a purpose and for this current lifetime. He knew what he planned for you long before you existed. Being a strong mother is a talent that not everyone has, and is very precious and needed for your children. Writing, creativity, desiring to serve others above yourself, these are talents that are valuable. The person who can drive a bus is just as important as a pastor. The person who teaches young children is important. The person who can handle the general public and the stress that comes with it, is important and of utmost value. We all have things about us that make us unique beyond our talents too. Our likes and dislikes, our laugh, our hair, our hobbies, they all make you “you” and you are cared about so deeply, by God and others who are around you. I promise you, you mean more to others than what you even know.

Along with natural talents, for those who accept Christ, we are given Spiritual gifts by the Holy Spirit which are meant to edify our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I will eventually dedicate a post more in depth regarding things, but for now I wanted to touch on them because they add to what makes us unique and wonderful.

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. 5 There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. 6 There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.7 Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. 8 To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, 9 to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, 10 to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues.11 All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines. 1 Corinthians 12: 4-11 NIV

Some of us are given the gift of wisdom, in which God provides wisdom into a situation or circumstance that is above what we would know on our own. Others, like myself, are given the spiritual gift of discernment, which is the ability to discern whether something is of God, secular, or demonic. Some can lay hands on the sick and God will heal the person that they laid hands on. Each spiritual gift is just as important as the next and they are part of what makes each of us unique too. Again there is a lot more to touch on here, but that will have to be a post within itself.

How we may assume God is going to use us and our life may be completely different than what he actually ends up doing. Our paths are all going to look different because he has a different will for each of us. However, we all will unfortunately be affected by this broken world and by sin and we all fall short of his Glory. The good news is that by asking Jesus to be our savior and cleanse us, we no longer are destined to hell. We no longer have to live life in a constant state of uncertainty because we will have God guiding us and he only desires good for us. Knowing that God is in control of our destiny and has good for us allows us to have peace. It also allows us to be content with whatever path God has for us and to trust that the struggles won’t be forever. Even if some last our entire earthly lifetime, there will be a day when they are no more once Jesus returns and restores the earth. Evil will be gone and only joy will exist! What a day! We don’t have to wait around sad until that day comes. Instead we can enjoy how God has uniquely made us and worship him every day, giving thanks that he created you just the way you are. You are wonderfully made by him. All of you are precious. You may not look like everyone else, you may experience things others don’t, you may not fit what society calls “normal” but what you may think is not amazing about you may just be one of her best assets. Don’t forget your worth, ever.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14 NIV

Eternity (Jan 25, 2020)

Eternity has been on my mind a lot lately. From the signs of the end of times all around us (such as disaster, imminent war, natural disasters) to near death experiences I have experienced from my epilepsy (occasionally a seizure in my sleep causes me to stop breathing and it is my service dog Mikki and my hubby who help to make sure I begin breathing again), to losing my favorite uncle two years ago….and….having found out one of my cousins committed suicide…today!! 😦 This life is but temporary and I tend to get caught up in everyday things like work and stress…It is so easy to take each breath for granted. But then there are things that happen that are a sobering reminder that our time on earth is short and we are here for a purpose, a God given purpose.

Each and every one of us has a purpose, even when we cannot see it. I know I struggle a lot with knowing my purpose because I look at the person I “should be”. I see myself as needing to already be in my dream career because I have a Masters degree and the desire to lead/ assist people in becoming the best they can be. I also see myself as someone who should have a drivers license, children, and no debt. But, because of my epilepsy I cannot drive until I am 6 months seizure free. I had no idea I had epilepsy until almost two years ago. The first few seizures I had I thought were just weird panic attacks or other occurrences. When I graduated from my undergrad and got engaged, I had this huge picture of living the best life I could live. I began my Masters degree and you all know from my other posts that my health began to decline during it. Diagnosis after diagnosis we finally figured out what was wrong a few months after I completed my Masters degree. I told myself I would give myself a few months to get it under control and then begin the pursuit of finding the dream job. Well, that didn’t go as planned. I did learn that my calling may actually be teaching rather than being a director over a company, which is cool. But, I can’t help but feel that my online teaching job is still not where I should be. I should be teaching in person, a college professor, something that shows I have some sort of worth… Anyway, as you can see it is easy for me to get caught up in my shortcomings, so caught up that I almost get in a rut of just getting through the day, forgetting that God is working on a much bigger picture than I can see.

If I focus too much on earthly matters, I may miss ways He is working in my life. For the start of 2020 I have been focusing on taking life one moment at a time and trying to get the most out of it. I want to continue living that way because I want to allow God to use me however he pleases, and because I am learning that he sometimes uses everyday encounters as something much more. The people I encounter while out eating, or shopping, may just be people who need someone to help them smile that day. Or perhaps they are going through something and need prayer. Or God could even use me as a way to show the love of Jesus to them. Having a fun conversation with someone might seem meaningless, but sometimes those conversations lead to friendships, and then to opportunities to be a huge blessing to someone. I want to be used anyway that God can use me. I enjoy being a part of the bigger picture, even if my section of it is just a few minor details.

I tend to think oh God won’t use me because I have epilepsy. Or God doesn’t have much purpose for my existence because I am not as accomplished as some of my peers. Heck I may never have kids because of my PCOS, yet another strike against society’s standards. Yet, that is not how God sees me. I am learning that the best way to counteract the negativity and to focus on what God has in store for me, is to focus on eternity. After all, what comes after this life is forever…yes FOREVER. And for the Christ believer, it will be perfection. Once all is said and done, God will recreate a new earth and restore all of its perfection, prior to the fall of man and sin. There will be joy as we praise God forever! We will all have special roles and there will be no more death and sorrow. I also believe my animals will be there because God has made them such a central part of my life, Mikki and Luke have both saved my life at different times. Also why would God make animals and say they were “good” just to destroy them and never look back. God is a good God and a loving God. When I think of living in harmony surrounded by perfect love, my beloved animals, and how no more sorrow or death will occur…it reminds me that anything I endure now is worth it. We all have to endure sorrow because of what happened when man brought sin into the world, but the sorrow won’t be forever.

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:1-4 NIV

The righteous shall inherit the land and dwell upon it forever. Psalms 37:29 NIV

The wolf and the lamb will feed together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox, and dust will be the serpent’s food. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain,” says the Lord. Isaiah 65:25 NIV

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb 2 down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. 3 No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. 4 They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. 5 There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever. Revelation 22:1-5 NIV

For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. Romans 8:19-23 NIV <…………… See this right here shows that our animals will be in Heaven because they have been subject to the curse of sin and they await the day that they no longer are burdened by it. 

What we do on this earth now matters because it determines our fate. We can’t get to Heaven any other way but by accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior. I hope if anyone hasn’t done that yet and is reading this, that you would consider it. You don’t need to change anything about yourself, come as you are. Just ask Jesus to come into your heart and to be your Lord and Savior. Admit that you are broken and need healed. He will honor that prayer and you will soon see him at work in your life in ways you never imagined. I can promise that. I have seen God at work. I have had my life spared more than once because of God. I have found my perfect spouse because of God. I am still alive because of God. I have my house we bought because of God. Every other lender said no because of student loans, but God gave us a realtor who fought for us and found us the lender that would say yes. Our house we have now was the perfect price we needed to be within. God kept my dogs, our home, and I safe from a fire the neighbors had the other day. Oh and he kept them all safe too and kept the fire contained to a small area. You see, I pray not just over my household but over the households of my neighbors too and God honored that. When Luke died, I thought how could i go on without my heart dog…but God gave me Mikki who is another heart dog of mine, and he gave me Petra and Mabel to bring me joy too. He is a good God. I don’t think I can ever love another dog the way I love Mikki. The bond we have is unique, special, rare. When I think of my blessings and eternity, it helps remind me that everything is going to be okay. For the believer the end is good. God wishes for none of us to perish in hell and I wish the same. I want each and every one of you reading this to be in Heaven one day with me too and I hope and pray that it will be so.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 NIV

If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. Romans 10:9-10 NIV